Ten Short Poems About Parsnips

1.  Parsnips gave me eczema.

2.  I can fit this parsnip in my grocery bag.

3.  Are you ready for a lifetime of commitment and parsnips?

4.  Lo, I dreamt about the parsnip again.

5.  Steak and parsnips roast over a rolling fire.

6.  Can I have the rest of your parsnip?

7.  Two parsnips combined their efforts and startled that old woman.

8.  Didja hear the one about the parsnip?  

9.  Look.  A parsnip.

10.  The good lady felt her hand brazenly inching up the nightstand, attempting to quell the tension created by the council of unwelcome guests.  Then she ate a parsnip. 

List of U.S. States in Order of How Much I Like Them (as of 4/12/09)

1. Maine

2. Iowa

3. New York

4. Minnesota

5. North Carolina

6. Rhode Island

7. Vermont

8. Washington

9. Wisconsin

10. Virginia

11. Oregon

12. Montana

13. Nebraska

14. Hawaii

15. Colorado

16. New Mexico

17. Alaska

18. Louisiana

19. Illinois

20. Massachusetts

21. Pennsylvania

22. California

23. New Hampshire

24. Texas

25. Arkansas

26. Kansas

27. Utah

28. Oklahoma

29. Kentucky

30. Maryland

31. Tennessee

32. Wyoming

33. Georgia

34. Arizona

35. Indiana

36. Idaho

37. South Carolina

38. Missouri

39. Connecticut

40. Michigan

41. Mississippi

42. Delaware

43. South Dakota

44. Alabama

45. North Dakota

46. West Virginia

47. Ohio

48. Florida

49. New Jersey

50. Nevada

More Opening Lines to Earth-Shattering Works of Unwritten Fiction

Imagine an airplane shaped like a hot dog.  

The best advice I ever got was to stay away from the Colonel's wife.

Ten forks in the hands of the world's strongest men couldn't lift this meatball.

Training to become a prize-fighter in San Francisco is a lot like taming a lion commissioned to guard the post office.

"Evelyn, we're once again out of walnuts."

Too often, I've missed out on the gifts the traveling circus show has to offer -- a problem which I place blame upon my unique allergy to pretzels.

I jumped out of the bathroom window at the precise moment Roger failed to notice his wife's infidelity.

Claim, like a slug, your right to ooze across the garden path.

A fractured clavicle might have proved a major setback for most mathematicians-come-acrobats, but Wanda Brown has never been one to back down from a challenge.

Sometimes I get tired of one-upping everybody.

Too Much Time

Too much time to wash my socks.

Too much time to pick my locks.

Too much time to chop a tree.

Too much time to sip some tea.

Too much time to swat a fly.

Too much time to hit some guy.

Too much time to set up camp near an active volcano along the Pacific Rim, packing the essentials: a tent, pots, pans, canned food, trail mix, sleeping bags, weather-resistant jackets, hiking boots, lava repellent, Swiss Army knife, and gloves.

Too much time to phone ex-loves.

Not enough time to visit every star and planet that I can see from Earth.  Most of those places are impossible to visit anyway.

Too much time to draw a ghost.

Too much time to make a toast.

In The End, It Was All Worth It

   If I had told you that letting the crocodiles loose in the schoolyard was a great way to meet women, you would have laughed at me.

   If I had told you the fastest way to a girl's heart was through a business card buried at the bottom of her purse, you would have scoffed at me.

   If I had told you a great spot for a first date was in a cactus patch a few miles south of Elko, Nevada, you would have rolled your eyes at me.

   If I had told you that a hand full of mayonnaise can get anybody in the mood for a good make-out session, you would have shown me the door.

   If I had told you that swallowing a roll of quarters reserved for doing laundry was step one towards two people moving in together, you would have cocked your eyebrow at me.

   If I had told you that a carpet stained with the blood of an ex-convict-turned-genealogist would segue into a marriage proposal, you would have contemplated disregarding things I say for a while.

   If I had told you that three separate children would be conceived in the very same space shuttle that monitored the effects of gravity upon black bean dip and tuna casserole, you would have stared deeply into my eyes, seriously concerned for the state of my mental health.

  

  But look at you now.  You're smiling at me because you can't ignore the facts.  I smile back at you because stranger things have happened.

!!!

It feels like a new day!  

It feels like twenty-four hours have passed since twenty-four hours ago!

I can't eat enough oranges to prove how excited I am!

My mouth has never felt so big!

Only an epic disaster can bring me down!

Oh, no!  An epic disaster is approaching!

Shit!

Go away!

Stop being so epic!

Stop being a disaster!

Why don't epic disasters listen to me?!

I'm not going to feel good anymore!

Inevitability!

Quote

"Let's say you're an apple.  No, wait.  Let's say you're the president."

-Paolo Adega, famous architect