Stir

If I have to stay under this blanket for another day, I'm sticking stamps on my body and shipping myself to Brazil.

An Evening In Santa Fe

I probably shouldn't be trusted to communicate any thoughts after eating all that green chile, but in the twelve-hour nap that followed, I discovered the meaning of life, and maybe someone might want to hear about it. Naturally, I've forgotten the details, but it's hard to retain memory when you stay in a town where everyone lives in modestly upholstered sofas. After a good hearty walk, I'm tempted to sit down, when from underneath the cushion, a man yells at me to get off his roof. It smells like shop class. They must be carving "Beware of Dog" signs, which are both ubiquitous and unnecessary. In this part of the country, you should anticipate dog ownership at every sofa. Instead, the few without dogs need to hang signs that read, "No Dogs Here, Thank You". I think that a new sleep will help me remember the meaning of life. Instead, I dream about a xylophone with seven wooden bars. They are not quite in key with each other.

Blade's Ice Cream Parlor Doesn't Quite Cut It

The cheery facade of a blue-green awning and children's drawings hung in the windows of the new Blade's Ice Cream Parlor near the corner of Pico and Robertson is reminiscent of typical family-friendly food destinations from a time when children looked both ways before crossing the street. But step inside this grotesque mecca for frozen dessert, and you'll immediately see what it is they really want.

Blade's, named so arbitrarily after the Wesley Snipes franchise, opened to great fanfare in May, citing "homemade" concoctions and "the best" ingredients as an essential part of their menu. After ordering a Blade Sundae, you'll soon discover that the "home" in "homemade" was referring to a home for the criminally insane; a place where murderers and cannibals are asked to make treats flavored with strawberry, chocolate, and other flavors. Included among "the best" ingredients are fingernails or what you'll hope were chest hairs. To be sure, no one has yet to find any fingernails or hairs in their sundae, but you will sense the intent to wish it be true.

The surly old men behind the counter will not apologize to you after you make a scene decrying their far-below subpar ice cream establishment in front of the long lines of people spilling out the door waiting patiently for dessert. You won't get your money back, either. Avoid this place like your mother when she has strep throat.

Whoops/Poverty Poem

Workin' on that book again. Okay, okay. Here's a short poem about poverty:

She's keeping her coat closed with a safety pin.

I Would Like To Yield To The Senator From Bitmint, Eric Watson

"Good morning fellow members of congress. As you all know, we live in a great country. When our founding fathers came together in 1776, that year of years, they brought forth a new nation founded on the principles that we hold dear and true today.

"Recently, that same great nation admitted its newest state into the union: Bitmint. I know that there has been a lot of skepticism and speculation concerning this new state, especially from residents of New York, Connecticut, and Massachusetts, but I can assure you that Bitmint will soon find its place among the other great fifty states.

"People out there are saying that Bitmint doesn't deserve to be a state. They say it is smaller than Rhode Island. It is. They say the population is smaller than that of Wyoming. That's true. They say that Bitmint has no basis for a state economy. And I ask, what about the Manatee Rescue Farms? Hmm?

"Ever since interim Bitmint Governor Quincy solicited state insignia suggestions from an out-of-work artist in Brooklyn, it's been clear that Bitmint, Land of Manatees, can find its footing operating the single largest manatee preservation in history. I've been working hard with Governor Quincy, fellow Senator Julie Watson -- my wife -- and the people of Bitmint, all ninety-three of them, to find and gather all the manatees and twenty-by-twenty foot above-ground swimming pools we can get our hands on. It's the Bitmint way.

"What we need is your help. No state got itself going without the help of the other states. When Georgia said, 'Hey, buy our peaches,' you bought them, right? When South Dakota said, 'We're gonna chisel this mountain until it looks like four presidents,' you all got their backs. And so today, I ask you all to put our differences aside, and help put Little Bitty on the map. Help us bring in those manatees. Thank you. God bless America."

Bitmint! (A Short Play.)

A cafe. X is reading a book and eating a muffin. Q is perusing through a phone. The year is 2010. It is the afternoon following the official secession of a new state called Bitmint, formed from small sections of New York, Connecticut, and Massachusetts. In 2010, theater is still relevant.

Q: Bitmint! I say!

X looks up, keeps reading.

Q: Bitmint! Simply amazing!

X: Excuse me, but I'm trying to read.

Q: They've done it! A new state! God bless Bitmint! I say, I say! Sorry to bother you, but are you unemployed?

X: Why do you want to know?

Q: I asked my question first.

X: But mine is less presumptuous.

Q: Very well. The fact is, you're sitting in a cafe on a Wednesday afternoon reading a book while many people are slaving away down at the office.

X: I might work for myself.

Q: Do you?

X: No. I'm unemployed.

Q: Marvelous!

X: And I like to spend my unemployed hours reading fiction, so...

Q: Sir, how would you react if I told you that I've been appointed interim Governor of Bitmint?

X: You have?

Q: Oh, yes. (Holds up his phone.) Just got the text.

X: You did?

Q: And I'd like to offer you a job.

X: You would?

Q: A job like no other: Cultural Ambassador of Bitmint!

X: But I don't live in Bitmint.

Q: Yet. You don't live in Bitmint yet. Don't worry. There's good state funding to go towards your pay check. Now, all you need to do is fill out my survey here and make some creative decisions about the state insignia.

X: Survey?

Q: Oh, come on. It will take two mintues.

X: If you say so...

Q--X: Postal code?--BT. State flower?--Forsythia. State bird?--Horned owl thrush. Tree?--Bonsai. Colors?--Vermillion and mocha. Nickname?--The Manatee State, Land of Manatees, Little Bitty. Motto?--"Venia, Veneratio, Manatees" ("Grace, Honor, Manatees"). And on the flag?--A checkered vermillion and mocha background, horned owl thrush with a forsythia in its mouth, sitting on the shoulder of a manatee in the foreground.

Q: Bitmint doesn't really have a sprawling manatee population, you know.

X: Does that mean I'm not getting paid?

Q: It's possible.

X: Can I ask you something? Why "Bitmint"?

Q: I thought there should be a state that begins with the letter "B".

The End

Tactlessly Saying What I'm Thinking Out Loud To An Old Man About His First Dabble In Watercolors

Amateur.