Natural Disaster

My feet shrink.

I worry about how I will get to the store.

If I take the bus, people will stare at me. Maybe they'll be too busy talking on their phones to notice.

No one will care about the size of my feet in the event of an earthquake.

Brief Opinions On Various Subjects

1. WHALES: I never saw a whale. I know they're really big, but I've never seen one, and I'd probably freak out if I had.

2. ALGEBRA: Fuck algebra. I mean, it's no geometry. Geometry is the branch of mathematics for the brave. Algebra is for losers and single women.

3. CHESS: Bishops don't move diagonally in real life. Why do they move that way in Chess? Although, I once knew a rabbi who could only walk sideways after a motor accident permanently twisted his ankles. We called him "The Crab".

4. PENNIES: Useless.

5. HATS: Some people look good in hats. I'm not one of those people. I hate them (the hats, not the people).

6. DINNER: Dinner is fantastic. It's particularly good for people who like lunch, but wish they could eat it when the moon is out.

7. BUDDHISM: I didn't know Santa Claus had his own sect.

8. GENOCIDE: Never on a first date.

9. THE NUMBER 10: Overrated.

11. BARNACLES: "I hate a barnacle as no man ever did before." -Charles Darwin. Indeed, old friend. Tis one of mine bugbears, as well.