Saturday, May 30, 2009

Briefcases For Equality

The briefcase rang my doorbell. Since my doorbell is made of bacon fat and Mediterranean chest hair, it took me a few minutes before I could hear it. Finally, in the split second's calm between two Irish military marches blaring from my radiator, I heard the soft ringing sound I'd grown all too familiar with. I got up from sorting through my colored golf ball collection and answered the door.

"Briefcases For Equality. Would you like to sign a petition?" asked the briefcase.

His leather coating was genuine, but something in the tone of his voice suggested there were other things on his mind. The quicker I respond, the more respect he'll offer me, I thought.

"What's a petition? I've heard the word before, but no one's ever specified it for me and I'm allergic to dictionaries," I responded smugly.

He went on to say a great many things about what petitions are -- things I must've been too bored to listen to. Suddenly he started leaking blood. I asked him if he was all right. He wasn't.

"It's hard to feel all right in a world as rough as this one. And if you think it's any easier being a briefcase than it is being a human, or whatever you are, then let me be the first to tell you that it's not. Do you know what it's like being handled day after day, opened, closed, stuffed with papers and files, being picked up, placed down, roughed around by people who don't remember the lock's combination number? It's 5-2-7! Is that so hard to remember?"

He had no idea about the blood. I figured he couldn't see the blood because he didn't have any eyes. But then how would this explain his ease finding my apartment, I wondered? He continued:

"Some people see me coming to their door saying 'This must be some sort of joke', but they just don't understand. And that's what this petition is all about: understanding."

There was that word again, 'petition'. What was it? What did it mean?

"Can you imagine a world without briefcases? A world where a backpack is your only option?"

Backpack! That's an interesting word. I never heard that one before. It made me laugh out loud. I snorted, too.

"You think this is funny? You think I'm here to play games?"

"I'm sorry, I was just laughing at that word you said -- backpack."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I guess that is a funny word."

We both laughed out loud. It was a tender moment. Blood was everywhere.

"Do you know that you're bleeding? A lot?"

"I'm too sad to take notice of such trivial things. If you'd just sign here, I won't take up any more of your time."

I signed my name. It was the least I could do. I went back inside and sorted through my golf balls. Upon my return, I discovered that I was missing a purple one.

Swindled again!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Jigsaw Puzzle

Communicating with you is like solving a jigsaw puzzle. In our case, every piece exists, but not all of them are in the box. You have taken a handful of pieces, and hid them around the house.

One puzzle piece is under your mattress. Another puzzle piece is in the drawer of your nightstand. Another puzzle piece is in the pocket of a blazer you never wear anymore, tucked away in the closet. Another puzzle piece is buried in your jar of loose change. Another puzzle piece is taped to the drain pipe underneath the bathroom sink.

Why would I look there?

Even you lost track of the last puzzle piece (it fell behind your dresser -- the one that's too heavy to move by yourself).

I'd give up if it weren't for the pretty picture on the box promising me a rural landscape with a barn and two ponies.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Basketball

In some ways, you are like a basketball.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Repudiation Of An Earlier Post/Wizard Poem

I skimmed over "Too Much Time", and found little good about it.  Rather than delete it from my canon of posts, I'll publicly disassociate it from myself and replace it with this:


The wizard flipping burgers detects that his robe has caught fire.
He will quell the damage by casting a water spell.
Nobody notices.


Saturday, May 9, 2009

Rock/Paper/Scissors (Great Neck Rules '94)

In middle school, I made the age-old fist game, "Rock/Paper/Scissors", a little more interesting.  Bored with the standard vanilla-chocolate-strawberry-type options, I decided to add some new flavor to the game by adding some exciting new moves.  These moves were: Match, Lawnmower, Atomic Bomb, Worm, and Petrified Whale Turd.

Below are the defining characteristics of each move, their hand representation (in parentheses), what other moves they beat, gaming theory, etc.

ROCK (fist).  Beats: Scissors, Match, Lawnmower, Worm, Petrified Whale Turd

"Good old rock," says Bart Simpson.  Even with the news rules, Rock is still a safe bet, beating five out of seven possible opponents.  Watch out for the cunning Paper, and people who use Atomic Bomb all the time. 

SCISSORS (index and middle finger out).  Beats: Paper, Match, Worm, Lawnmower

A good move for those who like taking risks, but not big ones.

PAPER (a flat hand).  Beats: Rock, Worm, Petrified Whale Turd

It would appear that a move like Paper is at a disadvantage with these new rules, but consider this:  During the countdown (One! Two! Three! Shoot!), a player's hand is already in a fist.  If the player isn't already planning a strategy in those three seconds, s/he will most likely succumb to the natural instinct to throw out Rock.  On top of that, many a great player will want to throw out Rock anyway, thanks to Rock's winning odds.  Think of Paper as a dark horse.

MATCH (an erect "excuse me" index finger).  Beats: Paper, Worm

Much of the thrill behind Match is pretending that you're lighting something on fire (i.e. paper, a worm).  Other than that, this move is usually a dud.

LAWNMOWER (two fists together, pushing a "lawnmower"). Beats: Paper, Match, Worm

Better than Match.  Whoop-dee-doo.

ATOMIC BOMB (flat hand, fingers spread out). Beats: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Match, Lawnmower, Petrified Whale Turd

That's right, it beats everything except Worm.  Little known fact: In the event of a nuclear holocaust, worms will survive*.  Such is true for R/P/S.  While Atomic Bomb appears to be a fantastic move, players beware:  Using it too often instantly turns a player into an asshole.  It is recommended to avoid playing any sorts of games with Atomic Bomb fetishists.  Also worth noting: When both players play Atomic Bomb, it is not a draw; everyone loses.

WORM (curled index finger; like a pirate's hook, only softer).  Beats: Atomic Bomb

Strike when the irony's hot.  This move doesn't normally win, but it's a great defense against major-league assholes.

PETRIFIED WHALE TURD (all five stretched-out fingers, touching at the tips).  Beats: Scissors, Match, Lawnmower, Worm

Petrified Whale Turd is really just a poor man's Rock.  But in this economy, that might be all you can afford.


Wow.  I can't believe I wrote out the whole thing.  Enjoy!





*This may or may not actually be true.